If you are interested in some more religious summary stuff, here’s a brief summary of world religions. Please consider hitting the “FOLLOW” button if you like this stuff. You won’t get spammed from it–just notified when there’s a new post (so pretty much once/week)
Not everyone has time to read through the Bible. Honestly, there are parts that will put you to sleep–I got through Leviticus by imagining hearing Julia Child (you could use Gordon Ramsey if you wish) and Bob Vila reading the parts regarding food or temple construction. Besides, it’s the 21st century…who has time for reading ancient texts (certainly not the president of the United States….)?
We need something that can get through to people who don’t have the time to read, learn, or think. Thus, here you have “The Tweet Bible.”
NOTE: If I’m hit by lightning or some other form of divine wrath…mea culpa.
6 work+1 rest day=Creation. Adam/Eve sin. Jews go to Canaan. Penis cut=deal w/God. Abe has many kids, Joe made slave, does ok, gets Goshen by Pharaoh.
Jews are slaves. Moses born, meets God. Lead to freedom. Egypt=no, so plagues hit. Jews leave. Long trip, Moses dead, but God gives him 10 Commandments.
One God only. No idols, don’t take God in vain, keep a holy day, respect your parents, don’t kill, adulter, steal, perjure, or get jealous of other people’s stuff.
Be sanitary with food, cook/prep it right. Don’t sacrifice kids, don’t be kinky. Blaspheme=death. Menses=dirty. God won’t help rulebreakers.
Lot of fighting, God punishes Jews all the time:#waywardchildren. #40yearsinthedesert. Midians/Caananites=KIA. Moses DOA@Israel border.
Moses lectures x3. 40yr journey history. Church, civic, social laws given. Joshua is Moses’ heir. YHWH is only god or else.
#FakeHistory! Conquest of Canaan, Transjordan tribes rewarded for their help. Stayed loyal to God(for now) when tempted then Joshua dies.
Jews do God wrong, God forgives. Repeat x7. Idols worshipped, deals with atheists. Jews DO get a woman leader(Deb). At end, Israel conquered.
No one agrees on Ruth’s meaning now. Ruth stays loyal to mom-in-law, then scores a go’el by marrying Boaz, keeps wealth in family.
SAMUEL PART ONE:
Sam’s a prophet from get-go. Israel free again, Saul=king. Saul sins, KIA, then David=king. Dave kills A LOT, Ark gets to Jerusalem.
SAMUEL PART TWO:
David sleeps with Uriah wife. Bad sin. House of David turns into rape/violence/bloodbath. Everyone dies except Solomon. Sol=next king.
BOOK OF KINGS, PT 1:
Sol builds 1st Temple 480yrs after Egypt. Sol screws up, Israel splits. Judah kings are true Israel/inherit promise to do what God say.
BOOK OF KINGS, PT 2:
Non-Judah land wiped by Assyria. Hezekiah’s successor breaks promise to YHWH, Babylon whacks Judah, Jerusalem+1st Temple gone.
If you ever wanted to begat, Chronicles is for you. Starts with Adam, provides lineage from Adam to David. Lesson: God pays attention.
Solomon, Jews into exile, then Cyrus permits exiles to return, rebuild Temple. Temple is THE place for worship. God/Jews always have special relationship.
From Cyrus to Darius, Darius lets Temple be finished. Jew/non-Jew marriage=sin, Ezra prays to God, foreign wives/kids sent out of Israel.
Nehemiah=Judah gov, builds city walls, punishes those who sinned. Accumulates Levites, so Jerusalem has priests. Jews promise not to sin(again).
God not mentioned. Esther=Persian queen. Avoids Jew-genocide by Haman. 75,000 KIA in retaliation. Survival/redemption(again)=Purim holiday.
Job=pious man. God+Satan wager regarding piety. Can you be pious when cursed? Job hit by plagues. Job stays faithful throughout. Rewarded handsomely.
150 passages. Meant to be sung. Hymns, words on individual or group suffering, royal words, words of thanks. Used by Jews, Christians, Muslims.
Fear of God=Beginning of wisdom. Wisdom>chaos. Life=conforming to order, therefore finding wisdom=good. Primary goal of faith.
Wisdom=well-lived life. Enjoy food,drink,etc as gifts from God. Enjoy the simple. “Fear God and keep His commandments. This is everyone’s duty.”
SONG OF SOLOMON:
No laws,no wisdom,no God,just sex. Jews say allegory of God/Israel relaitonship. Christians say Christ/Church(but there was no Church when written!)
Prophet says Jersualem will be world center after cleansed of evil. Messiah will come to lead. Who is this messiah? Cyrus? Jesus? Steve?
Not a bullfrog. During King Josiah. Fall of Jerusalem era. Same problems as Moses/Deuteronomy–must reform poli/religious life 100%.
5 songs. #1:Weeping women/Jerusalem wiped. #2:Misery=national sin vs. God. #3:Learn and things will get better. #4: See #2. #5: Pray for repentance.
(You have no idea how badly I want to quote this movie scene right now…)
Repeat of Jerusalem judgement. Followed by prophecy all Israel’s enemies(tribes and empires) will fall, then new city/temple and bigger blessings!
Predicts the world’s end(open-ended for interpretation of when), story of lions’ den. Daniel survives, detractors eaten, Jews’ kingdom=forever.
Hosea=unfaithful w/wife. Nth. Israel sins against YHWH. Divorced for a time, Hosea sees issue, asks forgiveness. Israel doesn’t repent, taken by Assyria.
Drought, locust plague. Locusts=God’s Army. Need to repent AGAIN to get YHWH blessings: smackdown of Israel enemies, return of good crops.
Gentile(and Jew) crimes v. humanity. Warns of plagues to come (Joel), return of David’s house (isn’t gone yet when A. written). #CovenantCurse
Prophecy of the fall of Esau’s Edom. God=unhappy, judgement = every Edomite will be killed. Someday the land will belong to Israelites.
Doesn’t wanna prophesy against Nineveh. Spends 3 days in whale. Nineveh repents/God forgives. This upsets Jonah who YHWH chastises.
Reproaches corrupt leaders. Defends poor vs. rich exploiters. Peace will come with new House of David. Zion to be built to seek YHWH’s wisdom!
Warning that Assyria will fall(loses to Babylon), God punished Assyria for cruelty to Jews. YHWH=patient, but will smite evil, protect faith.
Gotta trust God-uses all things as His tools (Babylon’s war on Assyria). Then will punish Babylon for cruelties. Men can’t understand–just trust YHWH!
Judah gets judged for sin, Lord’s Great Day, Israel’s enemies judged, Jerusalem wipeout told again. Survivors repent/love God–>divine celebration.
Pilgrim’s story: Need to build 2nd Temple *fast*. It’s going to be an awesome place of worship. People once in the doghouse now blessed by God.
Darius/Persians manage Israel politely. Rebuilt temple=happy subjects. Jews liked this, saw YHWH working thru Persians, stayed content.
The Messenger:Points out lax social/religious mores of Israel+priests. Don’t ? God’s judgement. God=just, faithful. Righteous don’t have to worry.
Remember–if you don’t like my interpretation of the New Testament, it’s mostly Greek to me.
Son of God, David, Israel, Man. John baptizes Jesus, Jesus sends 12 disciples to preach, gov’t gets mad, ends with Jesus KIA/tomb story.
Good News! God/Satan know Jesus, but not men. Tells Peter he’ll die+rise. Temple confrontation. Reinforces death+tomb story.
Hostility in Galilee to Jesus, trip to Jerusalem knowing death awaits. Last Supper then Easter to Ascension, proof of divine pre-ordination.
Jesus=Word-of-God, rejected by Jews. Miracles=jealousy, Jewish gov’t wants Jesus dead. Resurrection story repeated. Says Peter will be KIA.
ACTS OF THE APOSTLES:
Roman rule=Satanic. Move of Christian influence from Jerusalem to Rome, separation of Christianity from Judaism. Message to Samaritans and Gentiles.
EPISTLE TO THE ROMANS:
People are wicked, don’t be hypocrites. To save people, God assures salvation thru grace and ‘justification’ (good news!). Live in virtuous fashion!
1st EPISTLE TO CORINTHIANS:
Need to return to correct doctrine in Corinth->not pagan! Women must be silent in church (context!). Discusses Jesus’ resurrection via logic.
2nd EPISTLE TO THE CORINTHIANS:
Paul’s authority as apostle challenged, Paul has clear human flaws. Give to the poor, forgive others. Offers personal testimony.
EPISTLE TO THE GALATIANS:
Rejects Torah. How do Gentiles become Christian? Urges Galatia to hold to faith in Jesus against others. New writs replace Old Jewish books.
EPISTLE TO THE EPHESIANS:
The new Church must be kept pure. Believers should not fight one another–strength in unity. “ARMOR OF GOD”
EPISTLE OF PAUL TO THE PHILLIPPIANS:
Starts the study of Christ as human and divine, meaning for salvation? How do you know Christ? Remember:Peace of God=Supreme!
EPISTLE OF PAUL TO THE COLOSSIANS:
Christ=Supreme over Creation. Be godly, ditch pagan remnants! Christlike=Hope of Glory. Discusses it as doctrine, then personal conduct.
FIRST EPISTLE TO THE THESSALONIANS:
Apostles should not be a burden. Paul is apostle to the Gentiles. Don’t mourn the dead. There will be resurrection, greet Lord in the air.
SECOND EPISTLE TO THE THESSALONIANS:
Authentic? Dunno. THESS told Jesus is back. Paul says no, need great trial first. Don’t fall for apostasy! Oral traditions=ok. Trinity=ok.
FIRST EPISTLE OF PAUL TO TIMOTHY:
Paul’s on a mission but did he write this? Instructs Timothy on Tim’s role in Church and needs for a church’s leader. First pastoral epistle.
SECOND EPISTLE OF PAUL TO TIMOTHY:
Likely not Paul, Paul=KIA. Nero=evil. Guard, keep, preserve, and preach Gospel to all. Martyrs will happen. Pastoral#2, righteousness crown.
EPISTLE TO TITUS:
Paul(KIA??)–>Titus. Pastoral#3. Be wary of false teaching–the Word without understanding. Titus gets Paul’s letter of recommendation.
THE EPISTLE OF PAUL TO PHILEMON:
Onesimus in jail with Paul. Paul writes Philemon that “O” is ok, forgive him. Hard to know–was “O” a slave or Philemon relative???
EPISTLE TO THE HEBREWS:
To avoid Christian apostasy. Messiah doesn’t need to be warrior. Christ=divine+human, illogical?(Not to God). NT Jesus > OT Prophets
Author unknown. Collection of wisdom/ideas. Faith+no work=dead. Work+no Faith=dead. Faith+works=Good. God Laws>Man’s Doctrine.
FIRST EPISTLE OF PETER:
Not actually Peter. Believers have to deal with trials/derision. Denies Roman Emperor’s claim of divinity. Discusses Christ’s descent/ascent from Hell.
SECOND EPISTLE OF PETER:
Some sects leave this out/inauthentic. Respond to God’s promise with morality, learning, patience, and love=all is well. Pay attention to prophets.
FIRST EPISTLE OF JOHN:
For those who believe already. Stay true to beliefs, don’t fall for heresy. Heretics=teaching antichrists. Proof of spirit=righteous life.
SECOND EPISTLE OF JOHN:
Jesus *WAS* real. Don’t buy Christ is only a metaphor or Docetism (divinity doesn’t ever stoop to be flesh). Piety=commendable.
THIRD EPISTLE OF JOHN:
Late Bible addition. Personal letter, says to mimic goodness, not evil. Goodness=from God. Be faithful to friends and strangers (role-model).
EPISTLE OF JUDE:
Disputed authenticity. God smote unbelievers and apostates and fallen angels. Ungodly follow personal lust rather than path of good.
BOOK OF REVELATIONS:
End of the world, sky is falling. Omens everywhere (1,900+ years now). Luther, Calvin, Eastern Orthodox = unimpressed/ignore BoR.